1 twilight暮色-第42章

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off　the　desk。　I　left　the　light　off　and　slipped　out；　closing　the　door。　

I　could　hear　the　sound　from　the　TV　rising　up　the　stairs。　I　banged　the　
bathroom　door　loudly；　so　Charlie　wouldn't　e　up　to　bother　me。　

I　meant　to　hurry。　I　brushed　my　teeth　fiercely；　trying　to　be　thorough　and　
speedy；　removing　all　traces　of　lasagna。　But　the　hot　water　of　the　shower　
couldn't　be　rushed。　It　unknotted　the　muscles　in　my　back；　calmed　my　pulse。　
The　familiar　smell　of　my　shampoo　made　me　feel　like　I　might　be　the　same　
person　I　had　been　this　morning。　I　tried　not　to　think　of　Edward；　sitting　
in　my　room；　waiting；　because　then　I　had　to　start　all　over　with　the　
calming　process。　Finally；　I　couldn't　delay　anymore。　I　shut　off　the　water；　
toweling　hastily；　rushing　again。　I　pulled　on　my　holey　tshirt　and　gray　
sweatpants。　Too　late　to　regret　not　packing　the　Victoria's　Secret　silk　
pajamas　my　mother　got　me　two　birthdays　ago；　which　still　had　the　tags　on　
them　in　a　drawer　somewhere　back　home。　

I　rubbed　the　towel　through　my　hair　again；　and　then　yanked　the　brush　
through　it　quickly。　I　threw　the　towel　in　the　hamper；　flung　my　brush　and　
toothpaste　into　my　bag。　Then　I　dashed　down　the　stairs　so　Charlie　could　
see　that　I　was　in　my　pajamas；　with　wet　hair。　

〃'Night；　Dad。〃　

〃'Night；　Bella。〃　He　did　look　startled　by　my　appearance。　Maybe　that　would　
keep　him　from　checking　on　me　tonight。　

I　took　the　stairs　two　at　a　time；　trying　to　be　quiet；　and　flew　into　my　
room；　closing　the　door　tightly　behind　me。　

Edward　hadn't　moved　a　fraction　of　an　inch；　a　carving　of　Adonis　perched　on　
my　faded　quilt。　I　smiled；　and　his　lips　twitched；　the　statue　ing　to　
life。　

His　eyes　appraised　me；　taking　in　the　damp　hair；　the　tattered　shirt。　He　
raised　one　eyebrow。　〃Nice。〃　

I　grimaced。　

〃No；　it　looks　good　on　you。〃　

〃Thanks；〃　I　whispered。　I　went　back　to　his　side；　sitting　crosslegged　
beside　him。　I　looked　at　the　lines　in　the　wooden　floor。　

〃What　was　all　that　for？〃　

〃Charlie　thinks　I'm　sneaking　out。〃　

〃Oh。〃　He　contemplated　that。　〃Why？〃　As　if　he　couldn't　know　Charlie's　mind　
much　more　clearly　than　I　could　guess。　

〃Apparently；　I　look　a　little　overexcited。〃　

He　lifted　my　chin；　examining　my　face。　

〃You　look　very　warm；　actually。〃　

He　bent　his　face　slowly　to　mine；　laying　his　cool　cheek　against　my　skin。　I　
held　perfectly　still。　

〃Mmmmmm…〃　he　breathed。　

It　was　very　difficult；　while　he　was　touching　me；　to　frame　a　coherent　
question。　It　took　me　a　minute　of　scattered　concentration　to　begin。　

〃It　seems　to　be…　much　easier　for　you；　now；　to　be　close　to　me。〃　

〃Does　it　seem　that　way　to　you？〃　he　murmured；　his　nose　gliding　to　the　
corner　of　my　jaw。　I　felt　his　hand；　lighter　than　a　moth's　wing；　brushing　
my　damp　hair　back；　so　that　his　lips　could　touch　the　hollow　beneath　my　ear。　

〃Much；　much　easier；〃　I　said；　trying　to　exhale。　

〃Hmm。〃　

〃So　I　was　wondering…〃　I　began　again；　but　his　fingers　were　slowly　tracing　
my　collarbone；　and　I　lost　my　train　of　thought。　

〃Yes？〃　he　breathed。　

〃Why　is　that；〃　my　voice　shook；　embarrassing　me；　〃do　you　think？〃　

I　felt　the　tremor　of　his　breath　on　my　neck　as　he　laughed。　〃Mind　over　
matter。〃　

I　pulled　back；　as　I　moved；　he　froze　—　and　I　could　no　longer　hear　the　
sound　of　his　breathing。　

We　stared　cautiously　at　each　other　for　a　moment；　and　then；　as　his　
clenched　jaw　gradually　relaxed；　his　expression　became　puzzled。　

〃Did　I　do　something　wrong？〃　

〃No　—　the　opposite。　You're　driving　me　crazy；〃　I　explained。　

He　considered　that　briefly；　and　when　he　spoke；　he　sounded　pleased。　
〃Really？〃　A　triumphant　smile　slowly　lit　his　face。　

〃Would　you　like　a　round　of　applause？〃　I　asked　sarcastically。　

He　grinned。　

〃I'm　just　pleasantly　surprised；〃　he　clarified。　〃In　the　last　hundred　years　
or　so；〃　his　voice　was　teasing；　〃I　never　imagined　anything　like　this。　I　
didn't　believe　I　would　ever　find　someone　I　wanted　to　be　with…　in　another　
way　than　my　brothers　and　sisters。　And　then　to　find；　even　though　it's　all　
new　to　me；　that　I'm　good　at　it…　at　being　with　you…〃　

〃You're　good　at　everything；〃　I　pointed　out。　

He　shrugged；　allowing　that；　and　we　both　laughed　in　whispers。　

〃But　how　can　it　be　so　easy　now？〃　I　pressed。　〃This　afternoon…〃　

〃It's　not　easy；〃　he　sighed。　〃But　this　afternoon；　I　was　still…　undecided。　
I　am　sorry　about　that；　it　was　unforgivable　for　me　to　behave　so。〃　

〃Not　unforgivable；〃　I　disagreed。　

〃Thank　you。〃　He　smiled。　〃You　see；〃　he　continued；　looking　down　now；　〃I　
wasn't　sure　if　I　was　strong　enough…〃　He　picked　up　one　of　my　hands　and　
pressed　it　lightly　to　his　face。　〃And　while　there　was　still　that　
possibility　that　I　might　be…　overe〃　—　he　breathed　in　the　scent　at　my　
wrist　—　〃I　was…　susceptible。　Until　I　made　up　my　mind　that　I　was　strong　
enough；　that　there　was　no　possibility　at　all　that　I　would…　that　I　ever　
could…〃　

I'd　never　seen　him　struggle　so　hard　for　words。　It　was　so…　human。　

〃So　there's　no　possibility　now？〃　

〃Mind　over　matter；〃　he　repeated；　smiling；　his　teeth　bright　even　in　the　
darkness。　

〃Wow；　that　was　easy；〃　I　said。　

He　threw　back　his　head　and　laughed；　quietly　as　a　whisper；　but　still　
exuberantly。　

〃Easy　for　you！〃　he　amended；　touching　my　nose　with　his　fingertip。　

And　then　his　face　was　abruptly　serious。　

〃I'm　trying；〃　he　whispered；　his　voice　pained。　〃If　it　gets　to　be…　too　
much；　I'm　fairly　sure　I'll　be　able　to　leave。〃　

I　scowled。　I　didn't　like　the　talk　of　leaving。　

〃And　it　will　be　harder　tomorrow；〃　he　continued。　〃I've　had　the　scent　of　
you　in　my　head　all　day；　and　I've　grown　amazingly　desensitized。　If　I'm　
away　from　you　for　any　length　of　time；　I'll　have　to　start　over　again。　Not　
quite　from　scratch；　though；　I　think。〃　

〃Don't　go　away；　then；〃　I　responded；　unable　to　hide　the　longing　in　my　
voice。　

〃That　suits　me；〃　he　replied；　his　face　relaxing　into　a　gentle　smile。　
〃Bring　on　the　shackles　—　I'm　your　prisoner。〃　But　his　long　hands　formed　
manacles　around　my　wrists　as　he　spoke。　He　laughed　his　quiet；　musical　
laugh。　He'd　laughed　more　tonight　than　I'd　ever　heard　in　all　the　time　I'd　
spent　with　him。　

〃You　seem　more…　optimistic　than　usual；〃　I　observed。　〃I　haven't　seen　you　
like　this　before。〃　

〃Isn't　it　supposed　to　be　like　this？〃　He　smiled。　〃The　glory　of　first　love；　
and　all　that。　It's　incredible；　isn't　it；　the　difference　between　reading　
about　something；　seeing　it　in　the　pictures；　and　experiencing　it？〃　

〃Very　different；〃　I　agreed。　〃More　forceful　than　I'd　imagined。〃　

〃For　example〃　—　his　words　flowed　swiftly　now；　I　had　to　concentrate　to　
catch　it　all　—　〃the　emotion　of　jealousy。　I've　read　about　it　a　hundred　
thousand　times；　seen　actors　portray　it　in　a　thousand　different　plays　and　
movies。　I　believed　I　understood　that　one　pretty　clearly。　But　it　shocked　
me…〃　He　grimaced。　〃Do　you　remember　the　day　that　Mike　asked　you　to　the　
dance？〃　

I　nodded；　though　I　remembered　that　day　for　a　different　reason。　〃The　day　
you　started　talking　to　me　again。〃　

〃I　was　surprised　by　the　flare　of　resentment；　almost　fury；　that　I　felt　—　I　
didn't　recognize　what　it　was　at　first。　I　was　even　more　aggravated　than　
usual　that　I　couldn't　know　what　you　were　thinking；　why　you　refused　him。　
Was　it　simply　for　your　friend's　sake？　Was　there　someone　else？　I　knew　I　
had　no　right　to　care　either　way。　I　tried　not　to　care。　

〃And　then　the　line　started　forming；〃　he　chuckled。　I　scowled　in　the　
darkness。　

〃I　waited；　unreasonably　anxious　to　hear　what　you　would　say　to　them；　to　
watch　your　expressions。　I　couldn't　deny　the　relief　I　felt；　watching　the　
annoyance　on　your　face。　But　I　couldn't　be　sure。　

〃That　was　the　first　night　I　came　here。　I　wrestled　all　night；　while　
watching　you　sleep；　with　the　chasm　between　what　I　knew　was　right；　moral；　
ethical；　and　what　I　wanted。　I　knew　that　if　I　continued　to　ignore　you　as　I　
should；　or　if　I　left　for　a　few　years；　till　you　were　gone；　that　someday　
you　would　say　yes　to　Mike；　or　someone　like　him。　It　made　me　angry。　

〃And　then；〃　he　whispered；　〃as　you　were　sleeping；　you　said　my　name。　You　
spoke　so　clearly；　at　first　I　thought　you'd　woken。　But　you　rolled　over　
restlessly　and　mumbled　my　name　once　more；　and　sighed。　The　feeling　that　
coursed　through　me　then　was　unnerving；　staggering。　And　I　knew　I　couldn't　
ignore　you　any　longer。〃　He　was　silent　for　a　moment；　probably　listening　to　
the　suddenly　uneven　pounding　of　my　heart。　

〃But　jealousy…　it's　a　strange　thing。　So　much　more　powerful　than　I　would　
have　thought。　And　irrational！　Just　now；　when　Charlie　asked　you　about　that　
vile　Mike　Newton…〃　He　shook　his　head　angrily。　

〃I　should　have　known　you'd　be　listening；〃　I　groaned。　

〃Of　course。〃　

〃That　made　you　feel　jealous；　though；　really？〃　

〃I'm　new　at　this；　you're　resurrecting　the　human　in　me；　and　everything　

feels　stronger　because　it's　fresh。〃　

〃But　honestly；〃　I　teased；　〃for　that　to　bother　you；　after　I　have　to　hear　
that　Rosalie　—　Rosalie；　the　incarnation　of　pure　beauty；　Rosalie　—　was　
meant　for　you。　Emmett　or　no　Emmett；　how　can　I　pete　with　that？〃　

〃There's　no　petition。〃　His　teeth　gleamed。　He　drew　my　trapped　hands　
around　his　back；　holding　me　to　his　chest。　I　kept　as　still　as　I　could；　
even　breathing　with　caution。　

〃I　know　there's　no　petition；〃　I　mumbled　into　his　cold　skin。　〃That's　
the　problem。〃　

〃Of　course　Rosalie　is　beautiful　in　her　way；　but　even　if　she　wasn't　like　a　
sister　to　me；　even　if　Emmett　didn't　belong　with　her；　she　could　never　have　
one　tenth；　no；　one　hundredth　of　the　attraction　you　hold　for　me。〃　He　was　
serious　now；　thoughtful。　〃For　almost　niy　years　I've　walked　among　my　
kind；　and　yours…　all　the　time　thinking　I　was　plete　in　myself；　not　
realizing　what　I　was　seeking。　And　not　finding　anything；　because　you　
weren't　alive　yet。〃　

〃It　hardly　seems　fair；〃　I　whispered；　my　face　still　resting　on　his　chest；　
listening　to　his　breath　e　and　go。　〃I　haven't　had　to　wait　at　all。　Why　
should　I　get　off　so　easily？〃　

〃You're　right；〃　he　agreed　with　amusement。　〃I　should　make　this　harder　for　
you；　definitely。〃　He　freed　one　of　his　hands；　released　my　wrist；　only　to　
gather　it　carefully　into　his　other　hand。　He　stroked　my　wet　hair　softly；　
from　the　top　of　my　head　to　my　waist。　〃You　only　have　to　risk　your　life　
every　second　you　spend　with　me；　that's　surely　not　much。