1 twilight暮色-第20章

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bedroom。　

I　forced　myself　to　focus　on　the　two　most　vital　questions　I　had　to　answer；　
but　I　did　so　unwillingly。　

First；　I　had　to　decide　if　it　was　possible　that　what　Jacob　had　said　about　
the　Cullens　could　be　true。　

Immediately　my　mind　responded　with　a　resounding　negative。　It　was　silly　
and　morbid　to　entertain　such　ridiculous　notions。　But　what；　then？　I　asked　
myself。　There　was　no　rational　explanation　for　how　I　was　alive　at　this　
moment。　I　listed　again　in　my　head　the　things　I'd　observed　myself：　the　
impossible　speed　and　strength；　the　eye　color　shifting　from　black　to　gold　

and　back　again；　the　inhuman　beauty；　the　pale；　frigid　skin。　And　more　—　
small　things　that　registered　slowly　—　how　they　never　seemed　to　eat；　the　
disturbing　grace　with　which　they　moved。　And　the　way　be　

sometimes　spoke；　with　unfamiliar　cadences　and　phrases　that　better　fit　the　
style　of　a　turnofthecentury　novel　than　that　of　a　twentyfirstcentury　
classroom。　He　had　skipped　class　the　day　we'd　done　blood　typing。　He　hadn't　
said　no　to　the　beach　trip　till　he　heard　where　we　were　going。　He　seemed　to　
know　what　everyone　around　him　was　thinking…　except　me。　He　had　told　me　he　
was　the　villain；　dangerous…　

Could　the　Cullens　be　vampires？　

Well；　they　were　something。　Something　outside　the　possibility　of　rational　
justification　was　taking　place　in　front　of　my　incredulous　eyes。　Whether　
it　be　Jacob's　cold　ones　or　my　own　superhero　theory；　Edward　Cullen　was　
not…　human。　He　was　something　more。　

So　then　—　maybe。　That　would　have　to　be　my　answer　for　now。　

And　then　the　most　important　question　of　all。　What　was　I　going　to　do　if　it　
was　true？　

If　Edward　was　a　vampire　—　I　could　hardly　make　myself　think　the　words　—　
then　what　should　I　do？　Involving　someone　else　was　definitely　out。　I　
couldn't　even　believe　myself；　anyone　I　told　would　have　me　mitted。　

Only　two　options　seemed　practical。　The　first　was　to　take　his　advice：　to　
be　smart；　to　avoid　him　as　much　as　possible。　To　cancel　our　plans；　to　go　
back　to　ignoring　him　as　far　as　I　was　able。　To　pretend　there　was　an　
imperably　thick　glass　wall　between　us　in　the　one　class　where　we　were　
forced　together。　To　tell　him　to　leave　me　alone　—　and　mean　it　this　time。　

I　was　gripped　in　a　sudden　agony　of　despair　as　I　considered　that　
alternative。　My　mind　rejected　the　pain；　quickly　skipping　on　to　the　next　
option。　

I　could　do　nothing　different。　After　all；　if　he　was　something…　sinister；　
he'd　done　nothing　to　hurt　me　so　far。　In　fact；　I　would　be　a　dent　in　
Tyler's　fender　if　he　hadn't　acted　so　quickly。　So　quickly；　I　argued　with　
myself；　that　it　might　have　been　sheer　reflexes。　But　if　it　was　a　reflex　to　
save　lives；　how　bad　could　he　be？　I　retorted。　My　head　spun　around　in　
answerless　circles。　

There　was　one　thing　I　was　sure　of；　if　I　was　sure　of　anything。　The　dark　
Edward　in　my　dream　last　night　was　a　reflection　only　of　my　fear　of　the　
word　Jacob　had　spoken；　and　not　Edward　himself。　Even　so；　when　I'd　screamed　
out　in　terror　at　the　werewolf's　lunge；　it　wasn't　fear　for　the　wolf　that　
brought　the　cry　of　〃no〃　to　my　lips。　It　was　fear　that　he　would　be　harmed　—　
even　as　he　called　to　me　with　sharpedged　fangs；　I　feared　for　him。　

And　I　knew　in　that　I　had　my　answer。　I　didn't　know　if　there　ever　was　a　
choice；　really。　I　was　already　in　too　deep。　Now　that　I　knew　—　if　I　knew　—　
I　could　do　nothing　about　my　frightening　secret。　Because　when　I　thought　of　
him；　of　his　voice；　his　hypnotic　eyes；　the　magic　force　of　his　
personality；　I　wanted　nothing　more　than　to　be　with　him　right　now。　Even　
if…　but　I　couldn't　think　it。　Not　here；　alone　in　the　darkening　forest。　Not　
while　the　rain　made　it　dim　as　twilight　under　the　canopy　and　pattered　like　
footsteps　across　the　matted　earthen　floor。　I　shivered　and　rose　quickly　
from　my　place　of　concealment；　worried　that　somehow　the　path　would　have　
disappeared　with　the　rain。　

But　it　was　there；　safe　and　clear；　winding　its　way　out　of　the　dripping　
green　maze。　I　followed　it　hastily；　my　hood　pulled　close　around　my　face；　
being　surprised；　as　I　nearly　ran　through　the　trees；　at　how　far　I　had　
e。　I　started　to　wonder　if　I　was　heading　out　at　all；　or　following　the　
path　farther　into　the　confines　of　the　forest。　Before　I　could　get　too　
panicky；　though；　I　began　to　glimpse　some　open　spaces　through　the　webbed　
branches。　And　then　I　could　hear　a　car　passing　on　the　street；　and　I　was　
free；　Charlie's　lawn　stretched　out　in　front　of　me；　the　house　beckoning　
me；　promising　warmth　and　dry　socks。　

It　was　just　noon　when　I　got　back　inside。　I　went　upstairs　and　got　dressed　
for　the　day；　jeans　and　a　tshirt；　since　I　was　staying　indoors。　It　didn't　
take　too　much　effort　to　concentrate　on　my　task　for　the　day；　a　paper　on　
Macbeth　that　was　due　Wednesday。　I　settled　into　outlining　a　rough　draft　
contentedly；　more　serene　than　I'd　felt　since…　well；　since　Thursday　
afternoon；　if　I　was　being　honest。　

That　had　always　been　my　way；　though。　Making　decisions　was　the　painful　
part　for　me；　the　part　I　agonized　over。　But　once　the　decision　was　made；　I　
simply　followed　through　—　usually　with　relief　that　the　choice　was　made。　
Sometimes　the　relief　was　tainted　by　despair；　like　my　decision　to　e　to　
Forks。　But　it　was　still　better　than　wrestling　with　the　alternatives。　

This　decision　was　ridiculously　easy　to　live　with。　Dangerously　easy。　

And　so　the　day　was　quiet；　productive　—　I　finished　my　paper　before　eight。　
Charlie　came　home　with　a　large　catch；　and　I　made　a　mental　note　to　pick　up　
a　book　of　recipes　for　fish　while　I　was　in　Seattle　next　week。　The　chills　
that　flashed　up　my　spine　whenever　I　thought　of　that　trip　were　no　
different　than　the　ones　I'd　felt　before　I'd　taken　my　walk　with　Jacob　
Black。　They　should　be　different；　I　thought。　I　should　be　afraid　—　I　knew　I　
should　be；　but　I　couldn't　feel　the　right　kind　of　fear。　

I　slept　dreamlessly　that　night；　exhausted　from　beginning　my　day　so　early；　
and　sleeping　so　poorly　the　night　before。　I　woke；　for　the　second　time　
since　arriving　in　Forks；　to　the　bright　yellow　light　of　a　sunny　day。　I　
skipped　to　the　window；　stunned　to　see　that　there　was　hardly　a　cloud　in　
the　sky；　and　those　there　were　just　fleecy　little　white　puffs　that　
couldn't　possibly　be　carrying　any　rain。　I　opened　the　window　—　surprised　
when　it　opened　silently；　without　sticking；　not　having　opened　it　in　who　
knows　how　many　years　—　and　sucked　in　the　relatively　dry　air。　It　was　
nearly　warm　and　hardly　windy　at　all。　My　blood　was　electric　in　my　veins。　

Charlie　was　finishing　breakfast　when　I　came　downstairs；　and　he　picked　up　
on　my　mood　immediately。　

〃Nice　day　out；〃　he　mented。　

〃Yes；〃　I　agreed　with　a　grin。　

He　smiled　back；　his　brown　eyes　crinkling　around　the　edges。　When　Charlie　
smiled；　it　was　easier　to　see　why　he　and　my　mother　had　jumped　too　quickly　
into　an　early　marriage。　Most　of　the　young　romantic　he'd　been　in　those　
days　had　faded　before　I'd　known　him；　as　the　curly　brown　hair　—　the　same　
color；　if　not　the　same　texture；　as　mine　—　had　dwindled；　slowly　revealing　
more　and　more　of　the　shiny　skin　of　his　forehead。　But　when　he　smiled　I　
could　see　a　little　of　the　man　who　had　run　away　with　Renée　when　she　was　
just　two　years　older　than　I　was　now。　

I　ate　breakfast　cheerily；　watching　the　dust　moats　stirring　in　the　
sunlight　that　streamed　in　the　back　window。　Charlie　called　out　a　goodbye；　
and　I　heard　the　cruiser　pull　away　from　the　house。　I　hesitated　on　my　way　
out　the　door；　hand　on　my　rain　jacket。　It　would　be　tempting　fate　to　leave　
it　home。　With　a　sigh；　I　folded　it　over　my　arm　and　stepped　out　into　the　
brightest　light　I'd　seen　in　months。　

By　dint　of　much　elbow　grease；　I　was　able　to　get　both　windows　in　the　truck　
almost　pletely　rolled　down。　I　was　one　of　the　first　ones　to　school；　I　
hadn't　even　checked　the　clock　in　my　hurry　to　get　outside。　I　parked　and　
headed　toward　the　seldomused　piic　benches　on　the　south　side　of　the　
cafeteria。　The　benches　were　still　a　little　damp；　so　I　sat　on　my　jacket；　
glad　to　have　a　use　for　it。　My　homework　was　done　—　the　product　of　a　slow　
social　life　—　but　there　were　a　few　Trig　problems　I　wasn't　sure　I　had　
right。　I　took　out　my　book　industriously；　but　halfway　through　rechecking　
the　first　problem　I　was　daydreaming；　watching　the　sunlight　play　on　the　
redbarked　trees。　I　sketched　inattentively　along　the　margins　of　my　
homework。　After　a　few　minutes；　I　suddenly　realized　I'd　drawn　five　pairs　
of　dark　eyes　staring　out　of　the　page　at　me。　I　scrubbed　them　out　with　the　
eraser。　

〃Bella！〃　I　heard　someone　call；　and　it　sounded　like　Mike。　

I　looked　around　to　realize　that　the　school　had　bee　populated　while　I'd　
been　sitting　there；　absentminded。　Everyone　was　in　tshirts；　some　even　in　
shorts　though　the　temperature　couldn't　be　over　sixty。　Mike　was　ing　
toward　me　in　khaki　shorts　and　a　striped　Rugby　shirt；　waving。　

〃Hey；　Mike；〃　I　called；　waving　back；　unable　to　be　halfhearted　on　a　morning　
like　this。　

He　came　to　sit　by　me；　the　tidy　spikes　of　his　hair　shining　golden　in　the　
light；　his　grin　stretching　across　his　face。　He　was　so　delighted　to　see　
me；　I　couldn't　help　but　feel　gratified。　

〃I　never　noticed　before　—　your　hair　has　red　in　it；〃　he　mented；　
catching　between　his　fingers　a　strand　that　was　fluttering　in　the　light　
breeze。　

〃Only　in　the　sun。〃　

I　became　just　a　little　unfortable　as　he　tucked　the　lock　behind　my　ear。　

〃Great　day；　isn't　it？〃　

〃My　kind　of　day；〃　I　agreed。　

〃What　did　you　do　yesterday？〃　His　tone　was　just　a　bit　too　proprietary。　

〃I　mostly　worked　on　my　essay。〃　I　didn't　add　that　I　was　finished　with　it　—　
no　need　to　sound　smug。　

He　hit　his　forehead　with　the　heel　of　his　hand。　〃Oh　yeah　—　that's　due　
Thursday；　right？〃　

〃Um；　Wednesday；　I　think。〃　

〃Wednesday？〃　He　frowned。　〃That's　not　good…　What　are　you　writing　yours　on？〃　

〃Whether　Shakespeare's　treatment　of　the　female　characters　is　
misogynistic。〃　

He　stared　at　me　like　I'd　just　spoken　in　pig　Latin。　

〃I　guess　I'll　have　to　get　to　work　on　that　tonight；〃　he　said；　deflated。　〃I　
was　going　to　ask　if　you　wanted　to　go　out。〃　

〃Oh。〃　I　was　taken　off　guard。　Why　couldn't　I　ever　have　a　pleasant　
conversation　with　Mike　anymore　without　it　getting　awkward？　

〃Well；　we　could　go　to　dinner　or　something…　and　I　could　work　on　it　later。〃　
He　smiled　at　me